Have you ever disliked yourself?
When I laid down to sleep last night, I really didn't like myself at all. I guess yesterday God decided it was a good time to remind me of my weaknesses.
Gossip has to be my greatest weakness. When I was in college, I discussed this weakness with a pastor. He said, "Gossip is spreading information that you do not know for a fact to be true. But if you hear a piece of information from the source, and then you share that information with others, that is not gossiping." This conversation ruined me. If I "share information," it's not technically gossip, but then the people I just "shared" with will go out and tell other people, having not heard it from the source. It has taken me years to admit to myself that even sharing information that I know to be true is gossiping.
Seth often tells me, "It's not your business. Just stay out of it." So, when is it my business? What if someone is being hurt? What if what is happening is morally wrong? When is it OK to speak up?
I am still struggling to find the answers to those questions.
My blog post from yesterday was a rant about parents who choose not to guard their children's eyes and ears against things that may corrupt them. I thought that venting would make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse. Maybe I am alone on the subject. Do people think I am weird or overprotective for wanting to try and shield my young children's eyes and ears? I guess it doesn't matter what others think. I am still going to do my best to keep my children pure for as long as possible.
I was already feeling discouraged about my last post when my plans for the evening changed and I found myself out with a group of people gossiping. (And eating far too much food, which didn't help my mood either.) We should have just stayed home last night. But I was all dressed up (a rarity for a mother of 3 young children) and I wanted to go out. Looking back, I would have been happier watching the A&M game on the couch with Seth. We ended up at a terrible movie. We were in Athens, and after taking the limited movie choices and times into consideration, we chose to see "Due Date." I guess it was my fault because I refused to see "Paranormal Activity 2." We ended up walking out of the movie about 40 minutes into it. It was disgusting. I was even more disgusted at the people sitting around us who found it hilarious.
Looking back now, I just sound like a whiner. My family is healthy and happy. Things are going really well. This was what Seth was trying to tell me on the way home last night. "If this is all you have to complain about, you must really be happy."
Yeah, I guess I am really happy.
Thank you, God, for reminding me of my flaws, but also for at the same moment, helping me to realize how blessed I am.